Things I Learned From My Father's Passing

The passing of a loved one... well, it pretty much sucks. But with a little bit of distance, you can learn from just about anything. And I'm the kind of guy who like to pass things I've learned on to others.

My father died in September of 2010. Of course I "discovered" most of the things you'd expect: My friends kick ass. My family is amazing. Neighbors, co-workers, the community...everyone was amazing. The outpouring of love, support, and kindness was breathtaking, and just what we needed right then.

But those things aren't what I'm here to talk about today.

There were a number of very practical things things I picked up as well. And while I hope these are things you haven't had to learn already (and won't need for a very long time), below are some tidbits that might be helpful when you lose someone you care about.

• First thing you do is get a lawyer. Well, of course you make sure everyone is okay first. But in terms of procedural stuff, do NOT call the insurance company, bank, or anyone like that. Take a little time, and shop around for an estate lawyer. Even if there isn't much in the way of assets involved, this is still the right move. Estate lawyers know what questions to ask, what order to do things and what order to notify people to save you significant sums of money and huge amounts of hassle. Ask for appointments with 2 or 3, and decide who you feel most comfortable with. They will become your greatest ally and will help you through all the tiny details in this tough time.
  
  
• The funeral director's next. It doesn't matter if you're actually having a full funeral, just calling hours, or something private/non-standard. The funeral director is the other person who will help you take care of details in the right order. They know how to put in an obituary, will help you write it, and other little stuff that should happen but you really won't be thinking about.
  
  
• Clear out your fridge!!! Seriously, as soon as people hear, and for the next several days, food will just keep coming. Make room in the fridge, in the freezer, in the cabinets... Throw out leftovers, consolodate what you can, there will be more than you can imagine. And because there's so much coming in, feel free to throw away things you're unlikely to eat (or can't identify) once the kind if misguided soul has left. Tuna-Jello casserole? Really?
  
  
• Everyone deals differently. The cryers are going to cry. The black humor folks are going to make their terrible jokes. The drinkers are going to drink, the eaters eat... Make sure the different groups have what they need. And if possible, try to keep the black-humor folks separate from the cryers. That... can get messy.
  
  
• Disposing of prescription drugs. This isn't that much of a priority, but it's something I didn't know before, so... It turns out that it's actually illegal to either throw away prescription drugs or to flush them. The right way is to grind them up (a mortar and pestle is best, but you can do a lot with a can of anything and a cutting board. Then mix the resulting mess together with coffee grounds. THEN it's legal to throw away.
  

Of course there's more. But a lot is specific to who died (parent, child, sibling, friend), how (natural causes, accident, self-inflicted etc.), and where (at home, in hospital, in the wilderness...) So I'll keep this rambling short. Deaths generally suck. If you're clever, take care of yourself and those around you, it can suck a little less.

My condolences to those who have lost, my support for those who will lose, and my love to all.