Plenty of Crazy to Go Around

I don't want you, dear reader, to think that all the crazy at the Burger Paradise happens to me. Or that it all happens at night. Sometimes the freaks roam free in broad daylight. And sometimes they entrap others, so that I may laugh openly.

Take, for example, an otherwise mellow Thursday afternoon. I was alone in the drive through while others cleaned, restocked, and generally did the look-busy-so-no-one-assigns-me-anything-more-annoying-than-what-I'm-doing-now trick (that all fast food monkeys learn by their second week on the job). There's a ding in my headset, and I get my greet on:

"Hello and welcome to my restaurant! How can I make your day?" Yes, I actually talk like this. Most people think it's a recording.

"Yeah, I'd like two medium diet Cokes please, and make sure you charge me the right amount. It's been wrong the last couple times I've been here."

Now we have a LOT of people driving through asking for just a medium diet coke, so I know off the top of my head that we charge $1.80 for a medium soda, which comes to $1.96 after tax ("Live free or die" my butt!!!) And because the math and I have always gotten along, I know that 2 medium sodas comes to $3.92. Sorry for all the numbers, but it will become important soon.

"Alrighty, that comes to $3.92. Please pull on up to my window."

"Yeah, I'm going to need to speak to a manager."

"No problem miss. Pull on up and we'll take care of you."

Well, technically I AM a manager, but since my boss was in the restaurant (and I had a feeling about this one) I called our General Manager over, made the sodas, and stood back to watch the fun.

My GM is amazing. She's professional, friendly, fun, great with people, and works her butt off. So I couldn't really think of a problem she couldn't solve in under a minute. I was therefore somewhat perplexed when, after handing the sodas out the window, nearly 2 and a half minutes of conversation ensued. I know that because the drive through timer was still running (and, as previously discussed, there is no more important number to our business, so the giant LED display is easily seen from nearly everywhere in the store.) I tried eves-dropping, but as a manager I had to set a good example for the troops, so went about cleaning and restocking things, all the while dying to get the scoop when the woman finally drove away. Finally, after nearly 300 seconds from first contact, Nutty McNutjob did finally move on. But the look on the boss lady's face when she closed the window was one of complete astonishment.

However, before we could hear the tale, a bunch of customers came to the front counter. Their grease and salt cravings had to be satisfied before story time. We all took care of business, then demanded that she dish. And this is the tale that unfolded:

This woman insisted that we weren't charging her what she usually paid. She would not, however, accept the receipt that would detail the math that went into her total. She was offered it repeatedly, and when it was finally thrust into her hand, she discarded it without a glance. She continued her protest that we weren't charging her the right amount. She would not, however, reveal what she used to pay. She was offered some of her money back. She didn't want money, she wanted to pay what she was supposed to pay. Nor would she reveal where else she was going (another location or... another franchise?) She was offered all her money back, but it eventually became clear that she thought we were charging her too LITTLE! She was offered the opportunity to give us more money if she'd like. That didn't satisfy her either. She drove away nearly as bewildered and frustrated as we were, and that was the end of it.

Or so you would have thought.

Nearly an hour later there was the ding followed by silence (rather than the usual static/motor noises) that indicates that someone drove past the speaker without stopping. This happens from time to time if people cut the corner driving around the building, or change their minds at the last minute (Burger Remorse?) The boss happened to look over at the window and saw someone waiting patiently there. Of course it was our reality-challenged diet coke head.

I will forever admire my boss for taking care of it herself instead of sending someone else. That kind of bravery in the face of insanity is the stuff that legends are made on.

Not willing to mess with our drive time a second time, she invited Lady Lala to pull up to the curb, where she would join her for further conversation. Alas, by this point we were busy enough that we couldn't all crowd around the dining room window and watch whatever was about to go down.

At some point the boss lady came storming back in demanding that someone get her a calculator. I thought she was kidding, but being a smart ass I provided it nonetheless. She was gone long enough that I started to worry, and when she returned, it was shaking her head and announcing "I think that lady just wanted to touch me."

Wait, what?

Apparently Miss Madness had driven around for a while stewing about the injustice, and just couldn't leave such a huge loose-end in her increasingly surreal day. So she came back to Set Things Right. She checked the price on the menu board (still $1.80) and decided that, after tax, 2 medium sodas should come to $4.96.

That's right ladies and gentlemen. On the planet that she's from, two time $1.80 plus 8% tax should be 4.96. Eventually a great deal of gesturing and a calculator convinced her otherwise. And with a joyful grin, Princess Crazypants vigorously rubbed my bosses arm, declaring "Oh, you're right honey!" Sometimes the human touch just makes everything better.

Secure in the knowledge that nothing stranger was going happen for the rest of the day, I relaxed into my routine. I even mostly succeeded in keeping myself from wondering what one person needed with two medium sodas (rather than one large one...)

Would you believe I'm actually going to miss this place?